Friday, April 16, 2010
An interesting month... house got robbed in the middle of the night while we were asleep. Next week, my car was hit while parked and the a-hole declined to leave a note. My MELD score dropped (meaning I'm doing a bit better) and my transplant has been pushed back even further. A mixed bag of feelings there. Then my wife finds out that the Executive Director of her nonprofit had been embezzling money for years, fled the country, and the nonprofit was forced to close its doors, so now my wife is out of a job.
Throughout all of this, I have remained surprisingly upbeat and centered. I actually haven't gotten upset about any of it. In some ways, I believe this has all been a test to check and see if the blissful spiritual high I've been on for the past few months is actually real. Well, apparently I've passed the test. I literally can't get upset anymore for some reason. I have never in my life experienced this total lack of fear, but somehow I'm stuck in this state, and I have to say it's pretty fucking awesome.
I've said it recently, but it's coming down to this "now" thing. Existing in the present moment, without guilt about the past and anxiety towards the future. My pal Mark W. gifted me with a book called "The Power of Now," by Eckhart Tolle. Funny thing, everything I'm reading in this book is simple a reflection of where I am right now. I keep thinking "Oh, that's funny. I'm definitely experiencing this." Enlightenment has its drawbacks, however. It gets to be super-annoying to people when you're happy and contented all the time, so mostly I just try to keep my mouth shut and refrain from giving advice or viewpoints unless they are asked for. I recognize how silly most self-appointed spiritual gurus end up looking, and I never want to be mistaken for someone who thinks they know what the hell they're talking about. Once somebody tries to get a leg up on the rest of humanity by preaching about the fact that they're more spiritually turned-on than everyone else, they instantly skip past enlightenment and wind up being another garden variety asshole.
I realize that for myself this has been somewhat of a survival mechanism that I've shifted into, so I understand that many people may not get this or even care. Recent trauma has probably shocked my system into some lofty Samadhi state where I'm incapable of feeling any real negative human emotion. I get that. But is that a bad place to exist in? I find it much more satisfying to affect my circle of influence with positive energy rather than negative.
How is it working? Well, I can tell you that there's no great spiritual mountain to cross. No amazing achievement after hours of meditation in a sensory deprivation tank where you come out and the world is all aglow and singing sparrows follow you around wherever you go. It actually exists right here and now, and it's as easy as realizing it's there. Everything else is an illusion. It really is. Fear, doubt, anxiety, pain... it's all just a bunch of noise. I'm not saying that you have to tune it out. I'm just saying you can be conscious of what it is, and put it in its place just like putting the dishes away. No matter how heavy the world's problem seem, they're not real.
How can I say that when there's so much pain, war, famine, and brutality in the world? Well, it's because that's all part of the endgame. The master plan. The end result is the same. We all win. Even the bad guys will figure out how to be good at the end of time, and we all get to go home. But no matter what happens to us here on earth, we can access heaven anytime we want. Am I talking about faith again? Sure. But I'm also saying that we don't have to give up on finding happiness in life while waiting to get to heaven. It's here right now if we can simply choose to see it. Like clicking on a light switch. It's actually that easy. Maybe once everyone figures that out, we can all get to heaven.
Look, life is hard as hell. I know that just about as well as anybody. I've had to deal with some really horrible shit in the past two years. But I'm here to tell you it's okay. The worst that can happen is that we die, and there's nothing afterwards, right? So find peace right now, in the NOW. Every second in that state feels like an eternity.
Anyway, before I get too long-winded, I'll take my bow. All is well in the universe. My health is okay for now, my dad's Alzheimers is pretty stable for the moment, insurance replaced all my stolen shit with bigger and better shit: (Baby, I have to get the 58-inch HDTV! If I don't, that means they've won!!!") And Amanda is enjoying a nice weekend in Galveston drinking a bunch of wine with her mom before she starts on the job search. It's springtime, the bluebonnets are out in full force, the lakes are full for the first time in years, I still look pretty damn good for my age, and right now, right now, everything is perfect.
What could go wrong? (Insert explosion sounds here).