Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Please Don't Tell Me How the Story Ends

Where do I begin? More, where do I end? Sometimes the story that should have ended so perfectly continues and becomes real life. After a tumultuous number of years, I can almost see the ground from here. My feet aren't quite on it yet, but I have the excitement that I'm about to land soon.

There are some things too sacred to share with even a forum such as this, where I have always tried to be my most honest. I will not talk about divorce. I will say that I have so much love for the person who helped me get through thirteen years of a devastating diagnosis that came just months after we were married. In the end, we were both so beaten down by the circumstances of my illness that our marriage could not survive it. I am beginning to learn that many do not.

I am trying my best not to look upon this as failure after having finally made it across the finish line. Rather, we are a casualty of a war hard fought. We survived, but could never return to the way things were before. It was God's plan for someone to die so that I may live. But it was not God's plan that our marriage would survive. I couldn't have everything I wanted. That's not the way this works.

I have been silent all summer long, yearning to share my thoughts and feelings, knowing that now I feel a responsibility to give of the gift of experience that I have been given. But I need to begin to reconnect. I can't hide forever.

I have awoken energized and alive. I have rested. I have relaxed. I have indulged. I have enjoyed a new body and a new life.  I have seen the sea three times. I have gone out. I have stayed in. I have felt loneliness. I have wept. I have prayed. I have lost.

And throughout it all, I find remnants of the enlightenment that I found while I lay days from dying. It's that peace that I remember, and seek to find in my new life. I feel an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude to everyone I meet. I have lost the ability to become angry with people. I have no interest in anything that does not involve love, learning, art, evolution, and Godliness at this point. I find that I look at people arguing over politics, religion, current events, and consumerism and I simply have the loving acceptance that a parent might have for a sleepy, grumpy kid. There's a bigger picture to it all, and one that requires love to step back enough from the noisy diorama and see the small beautiful world for what it is. Sad, yes. Oppressive, yes. Difficult, yes. But so, so beautiful. And we can make it even better if we are conscious of love in every moment. When looking a stranger in the eye across the gas pump, at the homeless camp on the corner, at the guy cleaning your dinner table, at the old lady giving you a dirty look as she pulls out in front of you. Smile. Brighten someone's day every chance you get.

I don't want to focus on myself and my problems tonight. It is all very transitory, and I do know now that suffering is only an illusion and that my soul is eternal. I may have witnessed hardship and I certainly will again. But I also know that I already have all the answers. I just have to remember what they are. With time, wounds will heal. Tears will dry. Spring will bring new life, new love, new hope. But for now, the winter is here, and that's okay too. If you need me, I'll be on the nightshift just a little while longer.

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