Monday, February 10, 2014

The Winter of Our Discontent

From my loft bedroom view, I can see sunshine starts to creep in outside my window, saturating the walkway and grass with light and color. This is the first time in weeks I've seen as much of it. The winter has come, settled in, made its mark, and killed off any semblance of my former life that I once knew.

Synthesis. That' what I'm looking for so desperately in the cold. I'm so anxious to rush back into normalcy, knowing that it is far beyond my reach anywhere in the near future. I remember how to turn that switch on. How to tell myself to be happy and to be present in the now. But I'm just not ready to do that yet. I don't know why. So in the meantime I'm keeping my nose to the ground. Focusing on work and staying very near to home. Most of my closest friends are far from me now, too conflicted about my recent divorce; instead hurrying on with their own lives, plans, vacations, and prosperity. I understand, I tell myself, and try to be patient, hoping for their return. But, then some are more true than ever, there to talk or to just spend time with me. I cherish those connections even more, and hope I can give as much back someday.

The sun is still inching towards me, reminding me to shut the hell up and breathe in for a moment. To remind me that's it's okay. That although my body may be healthy, I now have to start the process of healing a psyche wrought from an entire lifetime of devastating illness. That it's okay that I lost my wife to the psychological damage that slowly rips through a marriage like the constant flow of water into the growing cracks of a rocky foundation. That it's okay to mourn the loss of a future together, to feel guilt in my life and then let go of it, and even to learn to love again.

Good morning, Mr. Sun, and thanks for reaching out today. But I need to stay in the shadows for a little while longer.

I talk about the loss of friendship and fail to mention that there are so, so many kind, wonderful people in my life who are compassionate and supportive, without me asking. Some longtime friends, some mere acquaintances, some even strangers. I am pleasantly surprised that one such friend whom I met through Yoga class recognized my pain and offered her Reiki services to me, non gratis. The experience was challenging enough at first... I was in a great deal of physical pain from a recent shoulder injury, having now spread to my other shoulder and spine. I was sick from a week and a half of lingering cold and developing bronchitis. I was not ready to give up my pain so easily. And yet once Janie's healing hands were laid upon me, I began to feel an extreme, burning heat grow in waves throughout my body. I slipped into a deep meditation, as my thoughts began to drift inward. I became very conscious of my current self as opposed to my highest self. What did I see there that was good, and what did I not want to carry over into my new life? I took note of these thoughts and moved along down the stream into my own consciousness. My thought drifted to the notion of kindness. I wondered what I had done to deserve this healing treatment. I felt sad that so many suffering could use these healing hands much more than myself. Why was I given such a gift? I was overcome once again with compassion and love for mankind, despite feeling so distantly removed from them all at the current time. Love once again becomes my most prevalent emotion, my light guiding me out of the darkness of my own shell-shocked soul. Will it win? I sure hope so.

I am in the beginnings of a new relationship with someone I very much love and admire. I am eager to find our footing and join each other on this journey. And yet I regret that I have been unable to fully be present when I am with her. I really, really think she's worth it so I want to try.

It's been a long, cold, lonely winter... You know what comes next. I'm going to get up, get going once again, and get outside and enjoy the day for awhile. Okay Mr. Sun, you win again.

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